


The Purpose of Confidence

by Arcadian_Skye



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, First Fanfiction, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know what else to tag, Mild Trigger Warning for poor self-care, Popularity, Self-Hatred, poor self-esteem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 00:19:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12971577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcadian_Skye/pseuds/Arcadian_Skye
Summary: Roman had steadily been becoming more depressed in the past few months, and no one quite knew what to do about it.





	The Purpose of Confidence

Roman had steadily been becoming more depressed in the past few months, and no one quite knew what to do about it.

Patton had been doing everything he knew to cheer the side up. He’d bury Roman in compliments, offer to watch movies with him on the daily, or cook him his favorite dishes several times a week. When the more obvious methods of comfort didn’t work, he started shifting into the quieter, gentler methods of comfort. Leaving small gifts outside his door, hand making a dog plush with a thank you note after the “Moving On” videos, offering simple smiles whenever he enters the room. Nothing was working, and Patton was a mess fretting over their creative side.

While Patton attended to Roman’s creature comforts, Logan tried to tackle the why of it. That’s not to say he didn’t try. He wasn’t as skilled with the touchy-feely emotions as Patton was, but sass might as well count as his national pastime. So he engaged in witty repertoire with Roman whenever he saw the opportunity. Occasionally he would replace ribbing remarks with clever compliments, but never too often, lest he arise suspicion.

The rest of his time was dedicated to studying, making notes, making a _timeline_ of the shifts in Roman’s mood. With some thought and reflection, he realized the most obvious shift was just after the “Accepting Anxiety” videos. Roman had become consistently quiet and thoughtful. This wasn’t particularly out of character for him, but that mood lasting for weeks into months certainly was. Standing at the window, staring at a notebook, blankly watching movies had become the norm at that point. Then came the “Moving On” videos, and Roman’s mood took a turn for the downright depressed. Standing at the window became leaning against it. Staring at a notebook became running his hands through his typically immaculate hair until it was a tousled mess. Watching movies became pacing back and forth for hours.

With the coming of winter, Roman’s behavior became outright unsafe. He ceased eating nearly as much, and what he did eat was comfort food (particularly alarming considering he’s usually right next to Patton in eating well in order to stay healthy and maintain a good figure). He ceased his regular exercising. Perhaps the most fretful of all was he stopped adventuring. Oh, he never stopped creating. He refused to let Thomas down like that. But everything Roman did to take care of himself, the things that made him and only him happy, just… stopped. And Logan, for the life of him, could not find the threads connecting the events of the videos with Roman’s behavior. He had a board dedicated to it in his room at this point, but the reasoning behind it all escaped him. This caused Logan more stress than he cared to admit. If he couldn’t figure it out, who would?

Oddly enough, Virgil is the one who figured it out. More accurately, Virgil was the one who saw it coming a mile away. He just didn’t know what to do about it. At first, he took offense to Roman’s moodiness after the “Accepting Anxiety” videos, but then it just kept going. Roman’s antagonism, while sharp, was typically fleeting. No, Virgil knew anxiety when he saw it (or perhaps more accurately, depression, though he would never admit that), it just took a while for him to realize what he was seeing in Roman. Roman was being thrown about by his own thoughts, and the “Moving On” video pulled all that turmoil up to the surface. He wasn’t just acting un-princely in Patton’s room; he was desperate.

Unlike Logan, Virgil knew exactly what it was about the winter season that snapped Roman’s sense of self-preservation. It was those awful Christmas sweaters. His sweater own sold out immediately, and Logan’s, while never sold out, very nearly did. This happened shortly after the “Moving On” video, so it would make sense that Roman was feeling a little left out.

Despite knowing this, something still wasn’t sitting well with Virgil. His anxiety was unsatisfied with this conclusion. So, he set out to figure out the root of the problem.

If there was anything he learned how to do for his own convenience, it was learn to move silently. When your anxiety is high enough to startle yourself, silence becomes a necessity. Being stealthy was simply an added boon, so he didn’t feel too bad sneaking into Roman’s room while he was pacing the commons.

He expected Roman’s room to be a mess given his mood as of late, but he hadn’t expected it to be a violent mess. With a near inaudible click, he shut the door and stared wide-eyed at his surroundings. The typically immaculately made bed was a mess, a few bright red pillows thrown across the room, royal purple blanket half hanging off showing the white sheets underneath, and even the king-sized mattress itself was a little askew on the frame. The gold framed, wall-length mirror was shattered, pieces strewn across the floor, and pencils and pens glittered in bright reds and golds between the various shards of glass. Roman usually took excellent care of his clothes, but most of them were thrown on the floor or draping off furniture haphazardly although a few sets still sat pristine in the closet and chest of drawers.

All of this, while alarming, was nothing compared to the door and the vanity. The vanity was the only clean thing in the room, make-up, combs, and hair styling products all lined up perfectly. Sitting in the middle was the little typically red but currently purple sketchbook/notebook Roman carried around with him. His idea book was not in his possession, and that caused a dark curl of worry to blossom in Virgil’s chest. He just came in here to find it; he didn’t expect it to actually be here.

The door, however, is what caused him to tremble in fear. With a pale shaking hand, Virgil pressed on the door to Roman’s kingdom, and it didn’t budge an inch. Roman, for whatever reason, had literally barred off his kingdom from _himself_. That… that would be like Virgil forsaking his music, Patton refusing to cook, or Logan abandoning writing. That door is fundamentally a part of who Roman is, but it was locked tight. _From this side_. Why? What could Roman be thinking? Trying to accomplish with this? Why would he be denying who he is?

Virgil flinched violently at his own thought process and gingerly took a seat on Roman’s bed. He knew he needed to find his targets and get out, but this… this was deeper than he had thought. He was uncomfortably, intimately familiar with denying your very being. Panic swirled threateningly in his head. But why would Roman be doing that? Roman, who’s all suave confidence and grand gestures. Creativity in its very essence. What could possibly make Roman dislike himself that much? He could barely deal with his own self-loathing, how on earth could he help someone else with theirs? Is that really what this is? Tugging on his hair harshly, he forced himself to just breathe for a few moments before grabbing the notebook and leaving.

Before he could reach the door over, something caught his attention. Blinking, brow furrowed, he looked around. What was bugging him? His thumb ran over the edge of the notebook, and he looked down to actually study the book. The edges were all clean cut. New. _Unused_. He flipped it open and sure enough, it was blank. There was a few pages in the front, obviously containing notes, however scarce, about the most recent videos. Brainstorming pages, but they were more simple, less crazy, than Virgil imagined they would typically be. He flipped threw, all the center pages were blank, but in the back, he could easily spot where Roman had ripped out however many pages. Where were they? What did they say? Did he even want to know?

Gingerly, he placed the notebook back on the vanity. It would do him no good anyway. With a knot in his throat, he slipped out Roman’s room and into the hallway. Listening carefully from his spot in the hallway, he could make out Patton convincing Roman to settle down for a movie. He let loose a shaky breath. Despite living in the mindspace together, he didn’t actually know if Roman kept a computer. However, Roman’s search history was the only other place he could think to figure out what was going on in his head. Hiding against the wall, out of sight of the commons, he flinched. That would be a major invasion of privacy though. He would be positively seething if someone dug through his room, let alone his tech.

Maybe he could just try to talk to Roman? Confrontation wasn’t his style, and just the idea of confronting Roman caused his heart to flutter in panic. He could try Roman’s phone for information, but that was permanently on his person. Ask to borrow his phone maybe? No, no one would believe that Virgil, of all people, lost his phone. He might just have to be blunt, pull Roman aside and let him know he knows something’s up.

Clenching his fists, he silently nodded to himself. He could only assume Logan was in his room, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to ask Logan for advice. This felt like his field distinctly. Negative emotions was his deal, and quite honestly, he was probably the best at confronting it. Logan could study it, and Patton could assuage it. But understanding? Understanding, dissecting, accepting, discarding the useless, and applying the useful? Without falling or tearing yourself apart in the process? The others could help with pieces of that, but he was the only one who really had to walk through that cycle on the regular. It required logic and emotion, and he was the only one who possessed both.

So… that only left him, and him alone, to help Roman. He tried to go around it, tried to do it discreetly (underhandedly, his mind screamed at him), but it didn’t work. Without being extremely suspicious, his only option was to talk to Roman directly. But that begged the question where? The commons would be too open; people rarely let go of their emotions in public. Roman’s room would probably give him more courage to have the conversation and creativity in pulling out the answers, but Roman could also pull down his walls harder there just like Patton could focus his mind singularly in his own room. That left… his own room. His room was his territory, where he was most comfortable. More than that, his room was known to tear down the defenses of others. That may be manipulative on his part, but it would be easiest to get Roman to open up there.

Before he could change his mind, he turned the corner.

Logan was in the commons, quietly reading from his recliner, and looked up immediately at Virgil’s entrance. Patton was with Roman on the couch trying to coax him into lying down while watching the movie, but Roman was too busy bouncing his leg, being generally jittery (anxious energy, his mind supplied). Both of them seemed oblivious to his presence. He took a (obvious) deep breath, and Logan quirked an eyebrow at him. On the exhale, he spoke.

“Hey Roman. I was hoping to talk to you? Privately?” The words came out way too fast, causing him to flush at his own display of anxiety.

Roman looked at him, and Virgil could practically watch him build his walls back up. This was a horrible idea. Of all people, Roman probably trusted him the least. To his surprise though, Roman wasn’t building up anger. It took less than a second, but Roman was suddenly back to (a shadow of) himself, quirking a smile and an amused eyebrow.

“What do you need Moonchild? I’m sure one of the others would be better suited than I to your needs.” Virgil narrowed his eyes at Roman’s chipper tone. That was subtle but still self-deprecating.

“It’s… uh… distinctly in the creative field. So… your field, basically?” He managed to slow his words, but he still sounded so obviously unsure of himself. He was trying to sound confident, damnit!

“Go Roman! It’d be good for you to get your mind somewhere else for a bit!” Patton flashed his doe eyes at Roman, hands even clasped together in a pleading gesture.

“Agreed. A new project would do you some good.” Logan offered a small smile and nodded at Roman.

Virgil blirted, “My room?” before the fanciful trait could argue back.

A flicker of frustration crossed Roman’s face, but he stood nonetheless. “Fine. I suppose I could offer my input. Lead the way.” Roman vaguely gestured in his direction with less bravado than the others would have hoped.

Virgil shoved his fists into his pockets and turned toward his room without waiting for Roman. This was a horrible, horrible idea. His breathing picked up, but he covered it by (speed) walking to his room. He had just placed his hand on the door to open it when Roman cleared his throat.

“You sure about this friendo? I’d rather not my room, but perhaps the commons might be better?” Studying Roman’s face, Virgil definitely saw a hint of trepidation.

“It’d be rude to kick the others out. Besides, It’s… important to me.” Squeezing his eyes shut at his own admission, he opened his door and stepped through. If he wanted Roman to open up, he had to be willing to as well. Roman, however, was sorely tempted to refuse with some grand, ridiculous statement, but Virgil had just expressed a layer of uncertainty, and it would be cruel to refuse Virgil’s help when he’s so somber.

Thankfully, Roman followed and paused just past the entry way. Flopping onto his bed, Virgil motioned for Roman to follow him, but Roman was still studying the room. It lead straight to his bedroom for once instead of his own version of the living room. It was just as dark as last time, but Roman felt something different. A sense of gloom had basked the room before, but now there was an air of tension that sent a chill down his spine. With a deep breath to steady himself, Roman closed the door behind him and set on the opposite side of the bed, facing Virgil.

There was a few moments of awkward silence, Roman unsure how to proceed and Virgil intently tugging on his hoodie strings.

“I know something’s wrong,” Virgil blurted at the same time Roman exclaimed, “Well get on with it then!”

Virgil visibly recoiled at the obvious irritation in Roman’s voice, and Roman immediately relented. “I’m sorry. Please continue. What did you say?”

Virgil tugged at his sweater, even less sure of what to say now. A solid minute passed before he convinced himself to simply repeat what he said. “I said I know something’s wrong…” His voice trailed off.

Running a hand through his hair (he’s uncomfortable, you did this, this was an awful idea, Virgil’s mind screamed), but Roman simply conceded the point. He waved his arms widely, stating with confidence, “I know I haven’t been as boisterous as usual lately, but that’s nothing to be worried about Virgil. I’ve got a handle on it.”

“Do you though?” Virgil shot him a hard glare, and Roman narrowed his eyes in response for a fraction of a second before easing his expression into something akin to sympathy.

“You’ve got enough going on compadre; don’t waste your thoughts on me.”

Virgil growled low in response, and it was Roman’s turn to flinch. “That. That right there is proof there is something seriously wrong though. Self-deprecation is my specialty, and while you’re not super obvious about it, that’s what that statement was.” Virgil slammed his fists into his thighs, anxious energy overwhelming him. “It’s… it’s been going on for months!”

Roman paused, ignoring Virgil’s misplaced anger and refusing to say anything until Virgil met his eyes. When he did, Virgil’s eyes were wide as if he was scared. Scared for Roman, and that twisted Roman’s heart in a way he couldn’t ignore. He didn’t know what to say though. I’m sorry for worrying you? I’ll get my work done, don’t worry about it? I’m fine? All he could do was study Virgil, looking for signs of sincerity and hoping that Virgil might play this off.

Softly, almost too quiet to hear, Virgil muttered, “I know, okay? I… I snuck into your room. Just to… to try and figure this out.” He sucked in a sharp breath at his own admission and pushed forward. “I know. I know you’re still getting work done. Still helping Thomas. Still being creativity. But… but you’re also the ego, the confidence, and that? That has been… missing... for weeks now.” He knew he was stepping into over-sharing territory at this point, but he couldn’t get his mouth to stop. “And I know. I know it started after the videos focusing on me, got worse after dealing with Pattonted angst.” Roman scoffed at the pun, but Virgil couldn’t even bring himself to smirk. “I know my Christmas sweater selling out first, immediately, sent you reeling. And it’s not… it’s not right, because the holidays? Christmas? This season that you guys so obviously love? It makes Patton giddy but it usually thrills you with the opportunity to wow with decorations, but you’re just not… here.”

At some point, Virgil had started looking everywhere around the room but at Roman who was now staring rather intently at his own hands. “You’re wrong though…” he whispered.

Virgil simply blinked in response. “What do you mean?”

A sad mockery of a laugh escaped Roman. “It started long before that, my friend. Although that is… unusually observant of you.”

Virgil waved his hand at Roman, brushing aside the rabbit trail. “When, then? How far back does this go?” He paused, again stumbling over his own thoughts and words. Roman began to fluff up a bit, annoyance making itself known, masking his rising anxiety from Virgil’s room. “I mean, you’ve always been… well, you. Princely, confident, regal. Up until recently.” Virgil scrubbed at his face, irritation at his own inability to words well. “I’m trying here, but pulling answers from you is like pulling teeth right now. And I get it. I get that I’m not ideal for this. I’m not all feelsy like Patton or intuitive intelligence like Logan. But I’m trying here, okay?” The words spilled from his lips, anxiety pushing them out like a gust of wind.

“Stop, Virgil. It’s okay. I get what your getting at.” Roman stood, pacing for a few moments before standing in front of Virgil. “You’re trying, and I should appreciate that. Like a Prince should.” Virgil paused, staring up at Roman wide-eyed. Roman met his gaze for a moment before he had to look away. Virgil wasn’t this… honest. It would be rude to turn tail now.

“You’re right. I am confidence, but I’m not so irrational that it’s unwarranted confidence. These videos were a great idea. Constant feedback helped me grow creatively. And it was fine, fantastic even, but then…” He wrung his hands together, returning to pacing. “Then came your introduction,” Virgil winced and shut his eye tight, bile rising in his throat. Roman didn’t notice. “And immediately after that was the New Years Resolution video, and… and you pointed out that Logan was the least popular of us.” Virgil’s breath hitched, but he pushed it down. Roman was finally talking after masking it for so long. He should’ve known it was all his fault. “It just… got me thinking.”

Virgil felt moreso than saw Roman flop down hard onto his bed, close enough that their legs touched. The pause was long enough that Virgil tentatively opened his eyes. Roman was hunched over his phone, fingers flying across the screen. After a moment more, Roman practically threw his phone into Virgil’s lap before returning to his frenzied pacing.

“I fed off of that. I shouldn’t have. I never should have. It is positively… cruel of me to feed off popularity especially at the cost of you and the others.” Roman huffed out a small laugh, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. “But it was… addicting. Keeping track of where we all stood with the Fanders.”

Virgil gingerly took Roman’s phone and scrolled through it. It was popularity poll after popularity poll. He flipped to the next app, and pages and pages worth of adoration on Tumblr stared back at him. He blinked and looked back up at Roman, confusion written clearly on his face.

“It was fine. Really. Watching the fans fall in love with _you_. It was almost... Invigorating. Surely I could be great enough to maintain popularity over you.” Roman winced and shot Virgil a brief apologetic look. “It’s what I thought at the time. Sorry” Taking a deep breath, he plowed on, still pacing with the additive of running his hands through his hair. “I was fine for months. Almost an entire year, and I had settled into contentedness with my position. It was motivation to do better, try harder. But then came your videos, forced by your withdrawal, and the outpouring of love for you made me…” He inhaled shakily, “jealous. And then out rolled Patton’s room video. It was a brilliant idea on my part and Patton certainly needed the support from both us and the fans, but I didn’t realize just how it would make me feel. It… unnerved me on a fundamental level.” His confidence faltered, and he stopped pacing, staring forlornly at the floor. “I’m sorry, this is probably… getting way too into… whatever this is for you.” He turned back to Virgil, uncertainty etched on his features. “I can stop, if you like?”

“No. No. Just… keep going. Get it out. I’m fine.” Carefully setting Roman's phone aside, Virgil offered a small, watery smile, and Roman couldn’t handle it. Virgil was trying, and here he was making it feel like it was all Virgil’s fault.

“None of this… none of this was you, keep in mind. This is just my thought and actions, and I paid the repercussions for it.” He sat on the floor in front of Virgil and offered his own watery smile. Virgil made some sort of vague hand motion in his direction, and he ignored the trembling in Virgil’s hand continuing as requested. “Then came all this love and support for Patton, and I was still shaken from his room. And still. I was _fine_. I was determined to be fine. It’s okay that I went unnoticed. I’d get my time in the spotlight eventually. Besides…” He scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “I still wasn’t the least popular one right? I shouldn’t have thought that, shouldn’t have relied on that, shouldn’t have banked on what could hurt Logan like that, but some villainous part of my mind did. And I hated it.” He tapped on the floor, a rhythm to some song Virgil didn’t recognize off hand. “But then the holidays came with those ugly Christmas sweaters. Yours sold out within hours. Thomas pointed out that Logan’s sweater was nearly sold out as well, even over my own. It was proof, undeniable proof I was the least popular between the videos and our merch. In my search for comfort, my foolish ways had me back on the internet, back to hunting for support from the fans, and… some fans pointed out my… my villainy. My narcissism and cruelty to you and the others. And I COULDN’T. At some level I don’t understand, I snapped. That’s the reason for the catastrophe that is my bedroom. And I refused… I refused with every fiber of my being to plague my kingdom.” A few traitorous tears escaped. “So I locked myself out. Until I could get myself back under control. Until I…” A quiet sob escaped his throat, and he flinched away from Virgil’s hand suddenly but gently running through his hair. “Don’t… I don’t deserve that. Not as a villain.” Virgil sharply drew his hand back but nudged Roman with his toe. Taking that as a sign to continue (and a bit of warmth at the supportive touch), he kept going. “Until I… could be a hero again. Deserving of the title prince…”

There was a long silence. Roman was spent at this point, too emotionally exhausted to really plot how to escape, how to bury his insecurities alone in his room. Virgil, quite honestly, was overwhelmed. Roman’s speech was long-winded, and it was a lot of information to take in. So they sat, a comfortable silence settled between the two.

After a few moments, Virgil reached forward to run his fingers through Roman’s hair to help comfort him, but Roman flinched away again. Virgil glared, but Roman refused to look up. With a huff, Virgil reached down and pulled hard on Roman’s arm until he stood up and then pulled down just as hard till Roman sat on the bad next to him.

“You don’t… have to be the best, you know.” Roman turned his head sharply away. “No! I mean… you don’t have to try that hard. You have fans too, plenty of people who love you. Stop trying to be everything and just… be you. Your time in the spotlight will come.”

“What would you know?” Roman spit out harsher than he intended. “People love you the way you are. You’re relatable. I’m distinctly not.”

“But you are!” Virgil raised his voice in turn, then quickly lowered it to a soft murmur. “I might be relatable, but you’re… fun. Creative. You…” Virgil shivered and placed a gentle hand on Roman’s leg, drawing his attention back to Virgil. “Your presence here gives people hope. Hope that even people riddled with anxiety and negativity can be confident. That they can accomplish great things too. Prinxiety exists for a reason. We balance each other out. My popularity just means people need YOU all the more.”

Virgil sighed, drawing his hands back to himself. That was about as motivational as he got, and he had no idea if anything he just said even made sense. Hell, he could barely remember half of it, just speaking off the cuff like that.

The silence stretched on long enough that Virgil could feel his anxiety ratcheting back up. Scrunching his eyes tight, he started internally counting to calm his breath, but he had barely started before he felt a warm hand on his back. Startled he looked at Roman who was smiling gently at him.

“You know… you might have a point.” Virgil’s face morphed into disbelief. “No, I mean it! I hadn’t… thought of it that way. I mean… Patton tried to tell me how great I am, and Logan tried to reason out my usefulness, but you…” Brows furrowed, Roman looked for the right words. “You’re, uh…” With a small giggle, Roman ran his hands through his hair before standing abruptly. Virgil reeled back even more confused before Roman offered him a hand up. “You’re an unexpectedly good speaker. I can see why Logan likes debating with you.” Roman shook his hand at Virgil as Virgil continued to stare at him, somehow managing to glare at him and look utterly baffled at the same time. “Look. That was a lot to think about, okay? I… need to think on it a bit. So I want to go write it down in my journal before I forget it, and I need you there to make sure I get it right. So come?” At Virgil’s frozen glare, Roman sighed. “Please? I could use the help cleaning up my room as well, and I don’t want Patton fretting or Logan calling me out on the stupidity of throwing things in frustration.”

Virgil finally unfroze, taking Roman’s hand and standing, pausing to brush imaginary dust off. “Only if you unlock your door,” Virgil smirked, playfulness finally returning to his tone. “Your people need you.”

**Author's Note:**

> If there are any typos, I am terribly sorry. I've been over it a few times, and a friend helped me go over it a bit as well (Thank you Lucy). Nonetheless, I still find something here or there. I think it's at the point I just need to post it and get it out of my head for a bit.
> 
> This is the first fanfiction I've ever posted. I hope it's okay.
> 
> I've also come to the realization that I am physically incapable of writing genuinely short, short stories.


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